Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Catering service
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Well, this explains it:
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.