Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
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Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.