Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
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Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
called in thicc to work this morning
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
when you order from DoorDastardly
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.