I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.