I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
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I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.