My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
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Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Order here:
More here:
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
🙋♀️
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.