(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
I’m putting together a team
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.