Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
You Might Also Like
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.