Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.

*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up