USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.