USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane