Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

[house hunting]

Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!

Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

me: WTF all the shelves are empty

sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag