Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

I hate when that happens.

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

grotesque if literal: baby food

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.