*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
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Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying