*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.