*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
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They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.