[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
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me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.