Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

Dear Satan…

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.

Erm I’m gonna say no