Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

wife: what’d the doctor say?

me: she said i gotta quit drinking

wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?

me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

#milo