*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
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My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.