[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
It should cost money to watch me bend over to pick something up off the floor
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15