[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything