Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company