Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

Yep.

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-

i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?

reminder

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.