*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.