*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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inside you are two wolves
My dream car is a taco truck.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*