*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit