God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
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1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Just a phase…
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.