Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

The Struggle

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]

Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

Introverted vegans go meetless