Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

getting groceries

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

Wife: you can trust me

Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you can usually trust me

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up