Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

😂😂