*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car