*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet