*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
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You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
My life coach traded me.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
What the hell happened here.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
not seeing the problem
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.