[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Duolingo getting serious.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.