Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart