Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1218924259659124736/pu/vid/288x640/vaOO_VBCN2Zk5Ad5.mp4?tag=10

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

me: iced latte please

barista: what type of milk?

me: spaghetti

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.