Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

socratic questions

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…