Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”

The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

6: I like your necklace

Me: Thank you

6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right

Me: Not if I disown you first

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this