Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

Self-cleaning conscience

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

goldfish mafia

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway