Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

Me too door. Me too.

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

Close call…

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name