Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church

uber: sure

me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout