Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is me

Are you ok, human???

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

ㅤ

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

😂

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

She was REALLY feeling it.

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*