(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
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If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Phones down.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*