(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
You Might Also Like
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?