Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
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“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.