Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

First I was a pebble..

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

this post was so formative to me

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*