*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
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caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
🤣😂🤣😂
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*