*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
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Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!