*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
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Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.