Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said

One hundred and fat

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.