Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know