*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
You Might Also Like
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I have taken up painting
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
*cough*
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.