*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
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Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.