*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian