*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
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I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Smile they said.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle