Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

💀🤣

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

What a kind woman! 😂😂

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?

Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*

Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*

Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

Weirdos gonna weird.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.