Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

incredible google review i just found

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie