usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
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Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.