usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

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[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]


Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays


Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages


How cute would it be if park rangers had tiny handcuffs for raccoons that steal campers’ food?


I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.


I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.


Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny.
Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth.
Wife: …
Me: Fine. No more. Period.
Wife: *eyeroll*