usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.


Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.


Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35


I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…


Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks,

“Why would anyone want to kill their wife?”


Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life


Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.


[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.


I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.


8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?