usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
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Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen