@WhaJoTalkinBout

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

You Might Also Like

@gobmentcheese

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

@DrakeGatsby

Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!

Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.

@obijawn

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

@obviousplant_

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

@RandomManik

Every crime show turns into sitcom when the cops bring the husband for questioning and he asks,

“Why would anyone want to kill their wife?”

@LuvPug

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

@pinupteacher

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

@erichwithach

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

@canadian_jane

I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.

@AndyAsAdjective

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?