Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian

cute girl 2: i’m a vegan

me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

I wish this was real life…

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*

Me trying to look natural in photos

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time