Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?

There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf