Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.