[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
You Might Also Like
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]