[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.