Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer

911: omg

Me: omg

911: “an” murderer haha

Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?

me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??

friend: it’s andrew garf-

me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.