Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
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I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Look, a pure bread cat!
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT