Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
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ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
yeet
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
This squirrel eats better than I do
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
The news in a nutshell.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Bars should have claw machines with loose cigarettes and taquitos
I’m not wrong
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog