Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.